Chronic Disconnection and Loneliness
Chronic Strategies of Disconnection (CSoDs) are a concept developed by feminist psychotherapist Judith Jordan. They describe the habitual ways we may protect ourselves from hurt, anxiety, or vulnerability in close relationships. These strategies often develop for good reasons. They are important in helping us cope with situations where closeness felt unsafe, overwhelming, or unreliable.
Over time, however, these strategies can become destructive and chronic: automatic patterns we continue to use even when they are no longer helpful. In the present, they may reduce emotional connection, limit intimacy, and interfere with our ability to stay engaged with others when we are under stress.
What Are Chronic Strategies of Disconnection?
Chronic Strategies of Disconnection are not deliberate attempts to avoid people. Rather, they are learned responses that tend to operate outside conscious awareness. They are activated when we feel emotionally exposed or relationally threatened- even if no real danger is present.
Common examples include:
Pushing others away when closeness increases
Avoiding expressing needs or wants
Withdrawing emotionally or becoming distant
Keeping interactions superficial
Distracting yourself with busyness, activities, or screens
Using humour, compliance, or over-helpfulness to deflect attention
Although these behaviours once served a protective purpose, they can now work against our desire for meaningful relationships and emotional closeness.
Why These Patterns Persist
Chronic Strategies of Disconnection are often rooted in early relational experiences. When we learn either implicitly or explicitly that being open and vulnerable leads to pain, rejection, or overwhelm, disconnection becomes a form of self-protection and keeps us safe.
Because these strategies are familiar and feel safer than emotional risk, they can be difficult to recognise or change. We may find ourselves repeating the same relational patterns, even when they lead to loneliness, frustration, or a sense of emotional distance from others.
The Chronic Strategies of Disconnection Inventory
The Chronic Strategies of Disconnection Inventory was developed by Rosanne Knox and Mick Cooper as a self-reflective checklist designed to help people identify their own habitual strategies of disconnection.
The inventory invites individuals to reflect on moments in close relationships when they feel hurt, anxious, or uncomfortable, and to consider how they tend to respond. It presents a wide range of possible disconnection strategies—such as “pushing others away” or “not expressing your wants”—and asks respondents to rate how much they use each one on a scale from 0 (Not at all) to 3 (A lot).
The purpose of the inventory is not diagnosis or labelling. Instead, it supports self-awareness, helping people notice patterns that may be limiting connection in their relationships. It can be accessed for free here: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/596f25c2725e25fb89b3a6f4/t/5974be84197aea04d1ca77b6/1500823172496/Chronic+strategies+of+disconnection+inventory.pdf
Using the Inventory for Self-Reflection
Used reflectively, the Chronic Strategies of Disconnection Inventory can help individuals:
Identify their most common ways of disconnecting
Understand how these strategies developed
Notice when disconnection happens automatically
Explore how these patterns affect their relationships
For many people, simply naming these strategies can reduce self-criticism. Rather than seeing disconnection as a personal failing, it becomes possible to understand it as an understandable response to past experience.
Working Gently Toward Connection
Recognising Chronic Strategies of Disconnection does not mean forcing yourself to be vulnerable or abandoning protective behaviours overnight. Change happens gradually, through awareness, compassion, and increased choice.
As people begin to notice when a disconnection strategy is activated, they may find new opportunities when it feels safe enough to stay present, express themselves more openly, or remain emotionally engaged rather than withdrawing or shutting down.
A Compassionate Perspective
Chronic Strategies of Disconnection remind us that difficulties with closeness are not signs that something is “wrong” with us. They are signs that we adapted. What once helped us survive may now be limiting our capacity for connection.
By bringing these strategies into awareness, we create space for choice—and with it, the possibility of more authentic, connected, and fulfilling relationships.